“We want to let people know that there is no shame in reaching out for mental health help,” said his wife, Theresa Gaspar. “From all appearances, Gary should have had every reason to want to live. He had a great marriage and family, a strong faith, a successful business, financial security, and he was a well-respected member of the community often called on to use his talents to serve on boards.” This included the Avera Board of Directors, Chamber of Commerce, Bishop O’Gorman Catholic Schools, Junior Achievement and more.
“Depression drives people to very dark places and to do something that’s not what they would choose,” James said.
Sheila Casiello, Gary’s sister, co-owned the business with Gary and shared an office with him. She realized her brother was in difficult straits, but she didn’t realize he was considering suicide. “I still can’t believe it. It just goes to show you, it could be anyone,” she said.
“It’s just very sad,” said Sheila. Asking “what if I had done this?” or “what if I had said this?” doesn’t change the fact that he’s gone. “What we can do is exactly what we are focusing on,” which includes giving back to the community and sharing a message of prevention and hope.
How to Ask the Question to Help Prevent Suicide
Theresa said it took Gary a long time to accept that he needed to talk to someone to work through his issues. “Unfortunately, it was too late for him. In the few months prior to Gary taking his life I often asked him if he was thinking about harming himself, but I never used the word suicide. We need to normalize the conversation around mental health and remove any stigma associated with it. People need to know that it is OK not to be OK and that there are resources to help them get through whatever they are struggling with.”
If someone is struggling with depression, they might lose interest in things they once enjoyed. They might talk about feeling hopeless or wishing they were dead. They might sleep a lot or very little. They may slip in their performance at school at work.
Avera’s Ask the Question campaign is built on research that asking someone directly if they are considering suicide can open the door to an honest conversation that might save a life.
It’s part of a conversation, said Thomas Otten, Assistant Vice President of Behavioral Health Services at Avera. “It doesn’t have to be the first question, but it’s an important question to include in conversation.”
If the person says “yes,” don’t focus on your own shock, Otten advised. Be ready to recommend helpful resources, including the 24-hour 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. In Sioux Falls, people in crisis can go to Avera Behavioral Health Urgent Care, which is open 24/7. “Our team is here and ready to help; we will see people where they’re at and address any needs they have, whether that’s talking with a counselor, seeing a psychiatrist, or getting admitted for inpatient care.”
“Human behavior is impossible to predict so suicide is not always predictable,” Otten said. Families who have lost a loved one should not feel at fault, but should pursue counseling and support needed to deal with what they’re feeling, whether that’s sadness, anger, guilt, or all of the above.
“Living with someone who is struggling with depression and anxiety is extremely difficult on the family. You feel helpless and hopeless, and you don’t know where to turn,” Theresa said. “There are so many resources available in our community. I pray that no one else would have to live with the kind of devastation and lasting scars that my family will have to live with due to Gary’s death by suicide. All of us that loved him live with some level of regret that we couldn’t save him.”
Finding Peace After a Suicide
James has experienced every stage of grief, from shock to anger to guilt. “Ultimately I’ve been able to process through those emotions and find peace – the peace of knowing that Gary is not suffering anymore.”
He cherishes memories like hiking in the Arizona desert with his dad, being mentored and developed in these informal conversations along the eight-mile route.
Beyond family and business, Gary left a legacy in the community of Sioux Falls. “Gary loved the Sioux Falls community and was always willing to share his talents to help make Sioux Falls a better place to live,” Theresa said. He put his all into serving on numerous boards. “If you asked him to serve, he was going to serve to the best of his ability. My hope is that Gary will be remembered for these contributions and that others will be inspired to use their talents to give back to make our community a better place for everyone who lives here.”
The Gaspar family also know Gary would have wanted his story to be shared in order to save others. And families in crisis have indeed contacted them. “We have offered a shoulder to cry on and helped people who needed it,” James said. “My visibility in speaking out and advocating for suicide prevention has caused people to come to me and share their darkest secrets – their concern for their own mental health or that of a loved one.”
A stigma still exists, but it’s getting better, Sheila recognized. “People are more willing to talk about it.”
However, people who find themselves struggling might fear what others would think. They might fear that someone might see them walk into a behavioral health facility. “But you know what? What if someone sees you? Big deal. You need help,” Sheila said. Someone might just need to hear, “it’s OK, and we’re here to help.”
